Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile, Woody Allen has married his adopted daughter and still makes movies. DuPont heir Robert Richards rapes his 3 year old and serves no jail time. Roman Polanski raped a 13year old and left the country while on bail yet he STILL receives awards

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper.

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   Why can't we just let the government employees go back to work and furlough Congress?

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   I wish I could say it"s nice to see Michael Bolton working again, but it's really not. Thanks Honda.

   I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!

   I wish I were an octopus so I could hug you, grab your ass, grope your boobies, play Playstation, and eat Pizza all at the same time.

   Alcohol poisoning must suck. I can't imagine what it's like being poisoned by the one you love

   My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!

   my husband embraced me tightly and inhaled deeply because I smelled like icy hot. this is how we flirt now.

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   "Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”