Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a coupon for a "facial package"...totally got the wrong idea in my head on that one.

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Why does this theatre smell like a tuna boat?

   If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.

   Overheard" Toyota Prius- you may get 53 mpg in that, but chances are you are still not getting laid"

   I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?

   Who knew Mr. T had an infomercial for the "flavor-wav oven" ... shouldnt they have gotten Flava Flav to do it?

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money... it doesn't buy class no matter how many millions of it you have got.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   Going to start living like a dog...If I cant eat it or play with it....I will piss on it and walk away

   The only mistake that I regret is the one where I let you live after you reminded me of every mistake that I've made.

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.