Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karma is like a 69, you get what you give.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   Facebook needs a "Meh" button.

   Breathe if you're horny.

   I just saw a coupon for a "facial package"...totally got the wrong idea in my head on that one.

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Why does this theatre smell like a tuna boat?

   If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.

   Overheard" Toyota Prius- you may get 53 mpg in that, but chances are you are still not getting laid"

   I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?

   Who knew Mr. T had an infomercial for the "flavor-wav oven" ... shouldnt they have gotten Flava Flav to do it?

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.