Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet procrastinating serial killers wait until today to buy their hockey masks.

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?'

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   Do they have unbearded ladies at an Italian carnival?

   If I was the richest person in the world...I'd trade it all in for a little more.

   It used to be called a diary, unfortunately it's called Facebook now.

   I didn't change; you just never took the time to know me at all.

   Karma is like a 69, you get what you give.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   Facebook needs a "Meh" button.

   Breathe if you're horny.