Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (posted on my wife's wall this morning) Good morning Sunshine. You see that stack of bills on the counter? That's how many times I thought of you today...

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   Here's some advice. Stay Alive."

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.

   "You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan)

   I bet procrastinating serial killers wait until today to buy their hockey masks.

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?'

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   Do they have unbearded ladies at an Italian carnival?

   If I was the richest person in the world...I'd trade it all in for a little more.

   It used to be called a diary, unfortunately it's called Facebook now.

   I didn't change; you just never took the time to know me at all.