Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.

   The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

   My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

   tested positive for missing my homies

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.