Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was gonna go on a date tonight but his Farmville eggplant were supposed to be ready so he had to cancel.

   this morning was a series of honking and yelling, and giving crappy looks.. Then I finally got out of the driveway and on my way to work.

   I think Myspace can be unblocked at work now. Facebook takes up most of my time there anyway.

   I'm more attractive when I'm sober, but I doubt I would want to sleep with you then

   Forgiving is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.

   I guess as long as all participants are over 18, I'm okay with Cyber Monday...

   "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of.' It's just a filler. 'Sort of' - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"

   I'm about to overdose on Christmas music...

   just wants to be someones "Dirty little secret!"

   A bisexual Is someone that likes Girls as much as the next Guy

   ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet

   Lohan now suing mozilla "FireFox" for alledged misuse of her other feisty alias "FireCrotch"

   fairly certain the only reason that so many stupid and obnoxious people are still alive is that murder's illegal

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   Death, bring back Kurt Cobain,Freddy Mercury,Bob marley,Jerry garcia,Jim Morrison (Doors),Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon,Bradley Nowell,Shannon Hoon,Janis Joplin,Paul Gray(Slipknot),Tupac, BIggie Smalls,Big Pun, Eazy E. Take any1 from Pop radio in exchange

   Santa does not get milk and cookies at my house. Beer and pretzels it is. I figure after several million gulps of milk and enough cookies to cause a diabetic coma, a beer would be refreshing.

   pro gay marriage,can`t see any reason they should have it any easier

   's 2010 New Year's resolution is to re-enact the movie "The Hangover" in real life.

   Watching the college bowl games and I was thinking. If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely. "Congratulations, you didn't s**t your pants today, here's a sticker"

   says its so cold today, that I just seen on the news that the fire department rushed to the strip club to pry 2 ladies from a pole.