Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The closest I've come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work.

   Zuckerberg for president in 2012.... He knows more about change than Obama ever does

   You girls that say diamonds are your best friend, obviously never had a good D!ck

   Easter Sunday the day that Jesus rose from the dead, looked Satan in the eye's and said, "Game over!"

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty, go figure.

   hey home school kid, go into the home economics class and get me a beer.

   when does lindsey lohan turn 27?

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and he waved...next time wave with all ALL your fingers!!

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday

   Be worried , God knows what you have been doing!

   If I bought everything you wanted me to, spam merchants, I'd be too conked out from the Vicodin to fit that Rolex watch around my giant penis.

   run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   you be Burger King, I'll be McDonald's, you'll have it your way,and i'll be lovin it!

   New Years Eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early. I just hope I'll be sober enought to drive from work to the bar.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in from the newsdesk.....Most women are comlplicated.