Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   Sarah Palin on fact-finding mission to Arkansas: "We need to find out why birds are dying before they can be shot."

   Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of bad girls ;)

   If a man won't lift a finger to see you & spend time with u, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers & wave goodbye!

   so there I was, stuck behind a bus at a red light. A group of kid turned around and stuck their tongues out at me. So I flipped them off, I'm not goin out like no b*tch!!

   Q: What would happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men would get their salary everyday and women would bleed to death.

   Don't be disappointed if the person you love doesn't love you, because God has said "This is my world and even I couldn't make my every creation love me"

   The closest I've come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work.

   Zuckerberg for president in 2012.... He knows more about change than Obama ever does

   You girls that say diamonds are your best friend, obviously never had a good D!ck

   Easter Sunday the day that Jesus rose from the dead, looked Satan in the eye's and said, "Game over!"

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty, go figure.

   hey home school kid, go into the home economics class and get me a beer.

   when does lindsey lohan turn 27?

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and he waved...next time wave with all ALL your fingers!!

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday