Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?

   Kama Sutra has finally been published as an audio book. Unfortunatly the audio is provided by Gilbert Gottfried.

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.

   I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

   has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?!

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Here's a list of nine bands Stevie Wonder has seen and One that's fake..see if you can guess. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.Blind Melon 9. 10.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option?

   According to my neighbor's rooster this morning it was 5am. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

   Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!

   When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked