Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   French toast is just toast that's surrendered.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   My phone has better health insurance than I do.

   Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'

   Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?

   Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?

   Trump or Hillary? Top socket or bottom socket?

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   The winds of change can blow me.

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.