Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon

   At the end of each day life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers.

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.

   Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

   When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.

   According to a RAND study from June 2016,. The researchers concluded that these treatments would increase health care costs for active-duty service members by $2.4 million and $8.4 million annually, Have to make obamacare cuts somewhere.

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   To err is hunam!!

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   They should make a "How It's Made" episode on how "How It's Made" is made.

   I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.

   Hurricane Irma rescuers, rescues air jordans from rising flood water at a foot locker store.

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN