Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.

   “Listen here, we are watching the movie together for the first time, I also don’t know what that guy is going to do with the gun” - Every man watching a movie with a woman.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on.

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   Nothing says MISTAKEN quite like following me on Twitter and expecting me to tweet bible verses or inspirational tweets.

   heading to Kinko's. Printing Best Buy 'coupons' good towards one free ipad for everyone in line early.

   Smartphones and dumb people - a match made in the 21st century.

   It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   Who watches you calmly from afar, is the one who wants you close the most.

   Some of my best memories are naps.

   You look like the kind of girl that would take a selfie in my trunk.

   No rest for the wicked. We survive on coffee and vodka.

   Its okay password, I'm insecure too.

   For someone who can't put on a pair of panties without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.