Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heading to Kinko's. Printing Best Buy 'coupons' good towards one free ipad for everyone in line early.

   Smartphones and dumb people - a match made in the 21st century.

   It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   Who watches you calmly from afar, is the one who wants you close the most.

   Some of my best memories are naps.

   You look like the kind of girl that would take a selfie in my trunk.

   No rest for the wicked. We survive on coffee and vodka.

   Its okay password, I'm insecure too.

   For someone who can't put on a pair of panties without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.

   Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.

   Don't let anyone use Earth Day as an excuse to peer pressure you into going outside. Your couch and your bed are both located on Earth too.

   Med commercials, stop with the side effects crap. I like to be surprised.

   So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?

   I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited

   In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.

   I don't mind when people exercise their right to free speech, but I'd prefer they'd exercise their right to remain silent.