Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much

   If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.

   "You only live once, so don't think twice" (",)

   I'm not saying that "killing them with kindness" cant work, but I'm pretty sure that an automatic weapon works alot faster and more accurately.

   I used to suffer with terrible flashbacks. Luckily, they're a thing of the past.

   ...can't believe how less sophisticated and superstitious the people of Egypt seem like on tv. I mean it's ridiculous!! Hey, did anyone see whether the ground hog saw his shadow today??....

   Would it change the way you feel about me if I admitted that I have a special love for the BeeGees?

   yikes, that Rolling Stone has gathered some moss.

   Valentines day. Where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

   At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

   His speech was long and awkward like the line for the women's bathroom at a transgender convention.

   I was awarded the title of "Saddest Man in the World". I was so happy about it they took it off me...

   Patience is like urine, sooner or later you may loose it!

   Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??.....

   I'm not into sports, but I'll watch women's beach volleyball if it's on.

   Just put on the pajamas I'd like to be buried in, so no, I don't think I'll be going out tonight.

   I get offended when people assume I think and care about them.Who died and made you money?

   At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!