Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   There's a thin line between genius and insanity, and I'm that line. Genius by nature, insane by choice.

   Do people using Twitter Twick or Tweet today??

   Come on proactiv, don't lie, its not a limited time offer, you've ALWAYS been $19.99.

   Locks of love should just visit my shower.

   Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys!

   Sure Rome wasn't built in a day but it burnt in a day didn't it?

   Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.

   I feel most at one with my phone when I can see that it's desperately searching too.

   Thank you for the feelings, but I must politely decline.

   Just watched the Selena Gomez "Birthday" video and now I understand why terrorists exist.

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.

   I keep having this reoccurring nightmare where I wake up in the morning and have to go to work.

   First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.

   The fastest way to get my son out the door on a school morning is to ask him if he wants a hug...

   My significant other is all warm and wet this morning..I love my coffee!!!!

   Life can sometimes be like photography… you need the "negatives" to "develop"

   Who needs Starbucks? My bar serves coffee.