Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: If you get an an argument with your man and you want to win or just want the argument to be over with, Just get naked and see how fast his attitude changes...

   I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like "Y the hell did I date you?!"

   Dear Santa, I was framed!

   To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   This Suri feature on the new I-Phone 4S is too realistic. I had phone sex with her last night and now this morning she's not speaking to me because I didn't hold her afterwards...

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd have gotten a good deal on mine, because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted

   Evidently, one of the women Herman Cain allegedly sexually harassed was German. When asked to comment, the victim said "Nein! Nein! Nein!"

   In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

   A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford.

   Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.

   If anyone is having a bad day, remember that yesterday in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000

   Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting a divorce...Now it's Katies turn to jump up and down on Oprah's couch.

   If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   Laxatives scare the Crap out of me !

   Hey there "young" ones, before you go "setting the world on fire", how 'bout you just concentrate on NOT fcking up my order at the driv-through...thanks.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.

   Imperial units should only be used when measuring general levels of rebel scum.

   seeing your neighbour looking at your window with a binocular is creepy, when you are looking at their window with a binocular...