Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.

   Yo Zimmerman, I'm really happy for you and, I'ma let you finish, but OJ had one of the best racial trials of all time!

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   Wait!! Its Tim Tebow's birthday today and Tom Brady got hurt..... Jesus take the wheel.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   If your boyfriend answers your text while playing Call of Duty, he doesn't love you. He just died on the game.

   ... May be we should "Ctlr+Alt+Del" the Government

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   When it rains it pours for the OU Sooners - not only did Texas beat them but now they learned that they have to return to Oklahoma.

   My dream car is a food truck.

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.

   ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"

   George Zimmerman is getting dangerously close to the 8 strike law.

   Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

   "So who wants to get arrested tonight?" - Alcohol

   I could spend my day outside, but I'm sure there's plenty of p0rn that needs to be rated.

   The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law