Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... May be we should "Ctlr+Alt+Del" the Government

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   When it rains it pours for the OU Sooners - not only did Texas beat them but now they learned that they have to return to Oklahoma.

   My dream car is a food truck.

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.

   ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"

   George Zimmerman is getting dangerously close to the 8 strike law.

   Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

   "So who wants to get arrested tonight?" - Alcohol

   I could spend my day outside, but I'm sure there's plenty of p0rn that needs to be rated.

   The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   Rest in piece Joan Rivers, someone who was very real and completely fake at the same time.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   In other news, no 12 y/o's riding their bikes got shot today.

   Of course I act my age. I'm old enough to buy alcohol, tobacco and fire arms.