Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I !

   I guess I'll pick up my dog's poop this time since you're having a yardsale and all.

   You can't change a Hoe Into a Wife just as much as you can't change a Player into a Husband.

   It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

   i totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger

   By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   People who brag they have haters are doing their so called haters a favor by making you look more of a douchebag than you already are.

   If a guy treats a girl like dirt, she'll stick to him like mud!

   Talked to Mom tonight. She said she got a good 8 inches in Albany tonight. God I hope she's talking about snow...

   I plan on rivaling the military with my own explosive version of "shock and awe" this evening!

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.

   Modern music is like Taco Bell. They keep coming up with new things using the same seven ingredients.

   Smurfs-v-Snorks on the Deadliest Warrior......make it happen.

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   I'm convinced my physical therapist thinks I'm a cross between "Gumby" and "Stretch Armstrong"....Today I left her office (a.k.a medieval torture chamber) folded into some form of decorative origami. :/

   Every time someone says "Stop" I'm always in two minds, should I respond with "Collaborate and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention" or "Hammer Time!"...?

   I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.

   This is a fun place so whatever topic you bring up, no matter how sacred or taboo, it WILL be made fun of and ridiculed.

   Some lady, said I was like a cuddly big bear.... Funny, I was just thinking about scrimmaging through some trash cans and mauling some hikers. -_-

   Boba Fett was an embarrassment to us all- Dog the Bounty Hunter