Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

   just heard the villian in the next Batman movie is a guy who's exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives

   Can you go out with me? ❒ Yes ❒Maybe ✔No

   I like science. I know for a fact that you have 206 bones, and if you would like one more, I'd be glad to do it.

   There is nothing like bringing the log to the beaver first thing in the morning.

   Sometimes you just have to accept you can`t win every battle , no matter how hard you try .. but just because you lost a battle doesn`t mean you can`t win the war.

   Bosses are like diapers, always full of s****t and usually on your a$$ (^-^)

   I think Ben Roethlisberger got his hands on Brett Favre's phone??

   LEAVING CAPS LOCK ON UNTIL 2010

   gonna wait until 12:01 tonight, feed some mogwais,pour water on them and then set them loose in The white house.

   if you were a status....i`d like u.....!!!!!

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

   only updating my status because my legions of fans expect me to.

   I'm getting a massage tonight, so I drew a treasure map on my stomach. It's pretty self explanatory.

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   textually active

   you better like this status or I'll post a old picture of you and really get some laughs

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.