Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Ben Roethlisberger got his hands on Brett Favre's phone??

   LEAVING CAPS LOCK ON UNTIL 2010

   gonna wait until 12:01 tonight, feed some mogwais,pour water on them and then set them loose in The white house.

   if you were a status....i`d like u.....!!!!!

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

   only updating my status because my legions of fans expect me to.

   I'm getting a massage tonight, so I drew a treasure map on my stomach. It's pretty self explanatory.

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   textually active

   you better like this status or I'll post a old picture of you and really get some laughs

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   I hate sharks! Can't there be a my little pony week?

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   4:19 almost there... just one more minute..

   Old McDonald was dyslexic, o.i.e.i.e

   just took my dog for a walk, long story short, my neighbor sleeps naked

   Whenever I wait behind a door to scare someone, they always take too long to come, so I leave disappointed.

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.