Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Can you guys believe some people get paid to advertise products on their Facebook page? That's crazy. Almost as crazy as the intense rush of energy I get after drinking Monster's new Triple Strength Xtra Max Energy Shot™. 
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!
My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.
what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair
What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....
FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.
Ariel Castro may be dead but Casey Anthony is still out there
I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.
This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.
I eat my cereal with a knife.
Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.
God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.
On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.
In deference to any Chinese hackers who may looking at my posts: for the remainder of the evening, I will be using ROR (Raff out Roud) instead of LOL for your convenience. You’re welcome.
Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?
They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.
going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)
Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada. 