Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Father's Day, all! Be nice to your dad today. Remember it's because of him not pulling out in time that you're alive today!

   Can you guys believe some people get paid to advertise products on their Facebook page? That's crazy. Almost as crazy as the intense rush of energy I get after drinking Monster's new Triple Strength Xtra Max Energy Shot™.

   If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.

   Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   Ariel Castro may be dead but Casey Anthony is still out there

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.

   God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   Met a gal through FarmersOnly.com,went out to supper and then home and plowed half the night

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   I know its Gay pride week, but seeing a rainbow confederate flag is really going to the extreme

   I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.