Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ariel Castro may be dead but Casey Anthony is still out there

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   This morning! I went to the front door naked, not sure what freacked out the post women more. The fact that I was naked or that I knew where she lived.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.

   God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

   In deference to any Chinese hackers who may looking at my posts: for the remainder of the evening, I will be using ROR (Raff out Roud) instead of LOL for your convenience. You’re welcome.

   Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?

   They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.

   going to try to act my age tonight!! Said no cougar ever :)

   Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.

   Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

   I know its Gay pride week, but seeing a rainbow confederate flag is really going to the extreme

   I dont make love, I slam women like a fridge door with no beer in it.

   If you get explanations when they weren't asked for, they're lying.

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.