Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling swimming in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

   2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.

   I've decided I am a velociraptor trapped in a white man's body. I can't fight this feeling anymore, and have decided to get the surgery and have the killing claws implanted on my feet. I am trans-species, and I WILL win ESPN's Courage Award next year!!!

   I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.

   ATTENTION Guys who don't have sex with their wife when she's pregnant in fear of hurting the baby: Don't flatter yourselves.

   FACEBOOK FAQ WHAT ARE PROFILE PICTURES? A: What you want other people to think you look like. TAGGED PICTURES? A: What you actually look like.

   I just saved a bunch of money by shopping online with other people's credit card numbers.

   what starts with F and ends with UCK? Yes you're right, it's FIRETRUCK :)

   MERRY DEBTMAS EVERYONE!

   They say 9 out of 10 women are battered, and here I am still eating mine plain

   I'm so tired of wanting the people who don't want me.

   I just ran butt ass naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   Some of these jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldnt even touch em

   Don’t fear the gods, fear the reality that created them.