Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACEBOOK FAQ WHAT ARE PROFILE PICTURES? A: What you want other people to think you look like. TAGGED PICTURES? A: What you actually look like.

   I just saved a bunch of money by shopping online with other people's credit card numbers.

   what starts with F and ends with UCK? Yes you're right, it's FIRETRUCK :)

   MERRY DEBTMAS EVERYONE!

   They say 9 out of 10 women are battered, and here I am still eating mine plain

   Don’t fear the gods, fear the reality that created them.

   That awkw.. moment when you stare at someone in the Asian supermarket trying to figure out what kind of Asian they are. :)

   I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life..

   I just ran butt ass naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   Some of these jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldnt even touch em

   I'm so tired of wanting the people who don't want me.

   Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

   Just got the new Payton Manning Bobble Head Doll....But the head won't move!!

   Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...

   Honestly... why have faith in anyone that's not myself?

   Cinnabun- $1...cup of mocha coffee- $.50... tripping over the rug, dropping the Cinna bun, spilling the hot coffee on my shoes and yelling "$h!t" out loud in front of 3 customers......priceless

   the awkward moment when you find yourself typing awkward moment status updates

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.