Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.

   I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.

   They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

   All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!

   I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others

   You are born to move mountains but you're still stuck on rocks.

   Thanks to all you that could join my FLASH MOB in London. WE DID IT!!!

   Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   No, I don’t want to see your tattoo. I’m not in the mood to lie about how nice it is.

   I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.

   Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny.

   Who needs eHarmony when you've got cake-flavored vodka and chloroform?

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   How to murder someone: tell them you love them so much, and then go on to forget about their existence.

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.