Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are born to move mountains but you're still stuck on rocks.

   Thanks to all you that could join my FLASH MOB in London. WE DID IT!!!

   Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   No, I don’t want to see your tattoo. I’m not in the mood to lie about how nice it is.

   I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.

   Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny.

   Who needs eHarmony when you've got cake-flavored vodka and chloroform?

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   How to murder someone: tell them you love them so much, and then go on to forget about their existence.

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   Never trust a dog to guard your food.

   Somewhere in London, a princess is pooping on a delivery table. Just keeping it real, folks.

   It’s almost August and I’ve accomplished nothing.

   I'm running out of people I can tolerate!

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   To me, both Presidential candidates seem kinda limp. I think the United States may be suffering from electile dysfunction ツ

   Just lookin' for some nice buns! You know, something that won't make my wiener look small!!