Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.

   I'd like to thank my ex for making me see how I shouldn't be treated

   It's Official: Both Hillary and Donald are now more unpopular than wearing Crocs with socks.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it

   The election has been over nearly 2 weeks and this krap is still going on. Get back to the funny!

   Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."

   The label says "Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication." My question is, is this a warning or a suggestion?

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   "Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   They should really considered remaking "Back To The Future 2" where there aren't any flying cars. And people just stare at their phones all day getting easily offended to everything they read....

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."