Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?

   I just saw a Koi Fish that had a white guy tattooed on it

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.

   Relationship status - Is anybody looking for US citizenship?

   Hillary Clinton made barking noices during yesterday's rally. I bet she is trying to get the dog vote now.

   It's not alright if a politician has been bought off by someone, but it is okay if they buy you off with promises of free stuff?

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a good slogan for condoms.

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   I'm sorry, all I hear is your perfume

   Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."