Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a good slogan for condoms.

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   I'm sorry, all I hear is your perfume

   Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

   Ask your doctor if making three lefts is right for you.

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   if I was a conductor of an orchestra, I would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."

   The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?

   Now that you've won your right to marry, ya think we could get a couple colors back. I mean, the whole rainbow... seariously?!?!

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.