Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   Describing a woman as "Fine" evokes a certain mental image. Describing her as "Fine as Frogs Hair" evokes a completely different image. For example Courtney Cox is "Fine" but Courney Love is "Fine as Frogs Hair."

   Never stop trying. I mean the dude who first said "Face the Music" wasn,t near as successful with his other phrases like "Mouth the Calligraphy", "Armpit the Lyrics", and "Nostril the Poetry" but you didn't see him quit did you?

   don't want FOP Damn it, I'm a Dapper Dan Man!

   learning about the artists leanardo, donatello, michelangelo, and raphael......but all I can think about is mutated turtles with nunchuks

   just turned the news on and they were talking about Justin Beiber getting a haircut. Really? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.. but Justin Beiber got a haircut.. Who gives a rip??

   now that you've checked in there i'm going around your place to steal your things coz I now know i've got a good hour before you're close to home!!

   (o) (o) Happy Mardi Gras! Now where are my beads???

   Man with the Oil Spills and now the Nuclear Meltdowns we are gonna blow up this planet one day...I'm thinking bout packin my sh^t and moving to another planet..Which planet did the 3 boobs lady live on in the movie "Total Recall"??

   There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.

   When my words fail, I try interpretive dancing... that usual works

   remembering when it was cool to date a cheerleader.. now i`m 30 and it`s creepy?

   Google+ is going to Myspace facebook... Yes, I used Myspace as a verb.

   A dog made out of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.

   Did you ever see one of them chicks who looked like they put all their make up on a dirty concrete floor and just dove face 1st into it?

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   Boobs… I was fixin' to write something clever… Boobs… What was I talking about? …Boobs. Forget it; it wasn't important.

   "Lick it or ticket." - horny cop.

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!