Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   St. Anthony just asked me if I have seen his keys...

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   If anyone hears a loud wailing noises don't worry , it's just me paying my bills .

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   If it begins with Twi, Bieb, or Kardash, I'm not interested.

   Happy National Employer Random Drug Testing Day everyone!

   man, when are 'good girls' gonna start liking good guys? I'm running out of patience here!

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   Just gunna stand there and steal my fries...? But thats alright because I love your massive thighs...

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   I just play music louder and louder til I can't hear my stupid seat belt warning beeping

   If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   Never stop trying. I mean the dude who first said "Face the Music" wasn,t near as successful with his other phrases like "Mouth the Calligraphy", "Armpit the Lyrics", and "Nostril the Poetry" but you didn't see him quit did you?

   don't want FOP Damn it, I'm a Dapper Dan Man!

   learning about the artists leanardo, donatello, michelangelo, and raphael......but all I can think about is mutated turtles with nunchuks

   just turned the news on and they were talking about Justin Beiber getting a haircut. Really? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.. but Justin Beiber got a haircut.. Who gives a rip??

   now that you've checked in there i'm going around your place to steal your things coz I now know i've got a good hour before you're close to home!!