Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

   I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.

   #4 Girl, did you know your eyes are such a beautiful color of blue . . . It reminds me of the water in my toilet . . .

   feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?

   having humpty dumpty for breakfast

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   Good morning, and a Happy Hurricane Season to all.......

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. In that case, be me ;)

   Big Question! Is Justin Baiber a female or a male? I am googling but not getting any straight answer.

   More birds dying in packs. This time in Atlanta

   wishes I could search Google for my car keys...

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   Im not addicted to fb, Its just you never get on...

   St. Anthony just asked me if I have seen his keys...

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.