Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. In that case, be me ;)

   Big Question! Is Justin Baiber a female or a male? I am googling but not getting any straight answer.

   More birds dying in packs. This time in Atlanta

   wishes I could search Google for my car keys...

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   Im not addicted to fb, Its just you never get on...

   St. Anthony just asked me if I have seen his keys...

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   If anyone hears a loud wailing noises don't worry , it's just me paying my bills .

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   If it begins with Twi, Bieb, or Kardash, I'm not interested.

   Happy National Employer Random Drug Testing Day everyone!

   man, when are 'good girls' gonna start liking good guys? I'm running out of patience here!

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   Just gunna stand there and steal my fries...? But thats alright because I love your massive thighs...

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   I just play music louder and louder til I can't hear my stupid seat belt warning beeping

   If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?