Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can no longer play Scrabble. Turns out he has Irritable Vowel Syndrome...

   patience is not a virture, its a waste of time.

   born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

   looking for people to go into the future with me. You'll get paid after we get back; we will be fighting legions upon legions of super intelligent apes. Must bring your own weapons, safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once. Bring bananas!

   going over to the dark side...I figure it's just a burnt lightbulb needs replacing.

   has a way to end the Iraq war. Tonight, pack everything and leave. Tomorrow, when the world reacts, we act like we have no idea what they are talking about.

   hates having friend requests off faceless girls. Its called facebook for a reason you stupid splitarse! And that faceless pic looks like Darth Vader. Who wants 2 be friends with Darth Vader?!!

   sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

   noticed it is 10-10-10 @ 10.10 AM... awesome!

   Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

   between the soccer team that crashed in the Andes and those 33 miners, Chile has a very good record of disasters with happy endings...

   Oh, nothing just admiring the shape of your skull..

   Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

   I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.

   #4 Girl, did you know your eyes are such a beautiful color of blue . . . It reminds me of the water in my toilet . . .

   feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?

   having humpty dumpty for breakfast

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.