Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ah yes nothing like waking up today sneezing my a$$ off only to look outside to see my clean van covered in a nice yellow layer of plants' sperm.

   would like to remind everyone that today is "Spay & Neuter Your Rednecks Day."

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".

   is wondering why people ask tall people if they play basket ball but not ask short people if they work for willy wonka

   Osama Bin Ladin has announced he's giving up. It's too tough to compete with B.P

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   will never eat cheezies while watching porn again...

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   Slut (Noun) - A woman with the morals of a man.

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.

   If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama

   Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%

   swimming like a sperm with a purpose!

   wounders If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

   snow on da ground, snow on da ground, lookin' like a fool with yo car spun around.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.