Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i spent $1 at the bar last night......156 times!!!!!!

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.

   Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and shi!s!

   Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg!

   The Judge in the Zimmerman trial looks like Chris Farley

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   One look at Megan Fox, and you know God is a man

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   When a Chick inboxes me, I take 3 weeks to respond to it. That'll fu*k her Ego up!

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger . . .

   "Cheating" is such a harsh word. I prefer "Monogamously Challenged".

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   will never eat cheezies while watching porn again...

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   ah yes nothing like waking up today sneezing my a$$ off only to look outside to see my clean van covered in a nice yellow layer of plants' sperm.

   would like to remind everyone that today is "Spay & Neuter Your Rednecks Day."

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".