Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   The problem with your relationship is, you're in a relationship.

   Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.

   I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.

   One of the big differences between American English and British English is that americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

   I'm an adult and I still believe in Santa clause, I figure why not? There's still adults who believe in Obama.

   In 2001, we invade Iraq and Afghanistan on the intel that they "might" have weapons of mass destruction. In 2015, we give weapons of mass destruction to Iran while they chant "Death To America"

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   a serial status changer....