Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   The problem with your relationship is, you're in a relationship.

   Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.

   I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.

   One of the big differences between American English and British English is that americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

   I'm an adult and I still believe in Santa clause, I figure why not? There's still adults who believe in Obama.

   In 2001, we invade Iraq and Afghanistan on the intel that they "might" have weapons of mass destruction. In 2015, we give weapons of mass destruction to Iran while they chant "Death To America"

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   a serial status changer....

   Bye Bye Moammar!.....Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Nancy Pelosi ☐ ツ

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   If girls think giving birth is hard try playing call of duty on a laggy server

   a case of the Mondays when all he wants is a case of beer.

   Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

   You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.