Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bernie's campaign workers definitely Felt The Bern on their way to the unemployment office.

   Drinking decaf coffee is like watching porn with no hands

   Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.

   I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.

   One of the big differences between American English and British English is that americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

   I'm an adult and I still believe in Santa clause, I figure why not? There's still adults who believe in Obama.

   In 2001, we invade Iraq and Afghanistan on the intel that they "might" have weapons of mass destruction. In 2015, we give weapons of mass destruction to Iran while they chant "Death To America"

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   a serial status changer....

   Bye Bye Moammar!.....Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Nancy Pelosi ☐ ツ

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   If girls think giving birth is hard try playing call of duty on a laggy server

   a case of the Mondays when all he wants is a case of beer.

   Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

   You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   When ever my wife says I got you something,i think"great what kind of useless thing did you buy me with my money"...

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!