Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Sorry about dinner. I tried to follow the recipe, but I think we are out of "oven".

   Wasn't Billy Dee Williams supposed to fix that thing in Cloud City?

   When I'm all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I'd never let that scenario become a reality.

   Don't walk in front of me, I may not lead. Don't walk behind me, I may not follow, Don't walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me. Creep!

   Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with built-in tasers?

   The voters in Dallas are pushing to have a proposition added to the next election adding term limits for someone to own or be the gm for the cowboys.

   The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.

   Give a vegan a fish,,, then never hear the end of it.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??