Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: I am NOT argumentative! Me: See?

   I hear 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather are going to settle their feud in the ring. I'd actually pay to see that fight- I bet if I was lucky enough to catch one of 50 Cent's teeth I could sell it on eBay.

   My therapist is a beer

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   Am I the only one hoping that grand jury decision in Ferguson Missouri lines up with my black Friday shopping plans?

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Sorry about dinner. I tried to follow the recipe, but I think we are out of "oven".

   Wasn't Billy Dee Williams supposed to fix that thing in Cloud City?

   When I'm all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I'd never let that scenario become a reality.

   Don't walk in front of me, I may not lead. Don't walk behind me, I may not follow, Don't walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me. Creep!

   Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with built-in tasers?

   The voters in Dallas are pushing to have a proposition added to the next election adding term limits for someone to own or be the gm for the cowboys.

   The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.