Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   The problem with your relationship is, you're in a relationship.

   Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   All the extra charges on my mobile bill should be called cell-fees.

   The problem with "Friends with Benefits" is that the out-of-pocket costs are way too high.

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."

   If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   Nothing better than imagining "Tubman's" raining down on strippers cheeks.