Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My biggest regret in life is missing you..., When I backed up

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...

   The only advantage of an old enemy is that they can distract you from the devilment of new ones.

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   I remember a happier time… Like when I was still sleeping.

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   All the extra charges on my mobile bill should be called cell-fees.

   The problem with "Friends with Benefits" is that the out-of-pocket costs are way too high.

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.