Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Human beings like to be entertained more than anything else. Hence the celebrity worshipping.

   Rest assured no grass got cut today.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.

   I totally love and fully respect that you're a little bit slutty

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: I am NOT argumentative! Me: See?

   I hear 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather are going to settle their feud in the ring. I'd actually pay to see that fight- I bet if I was lucky enough to catch one of 50 Cent's teeth I could sell it on eBay.

   My therapist is a beer

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   Am I the only one hoping that grand jury decision in Ferguson Missouri lines up with my black Friday shopping plans?

   I know its true love when I like you even when I'm sober.

   I don't know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   Dear P0rnhub, A category called "oh, you have kids?" with videos no longer than 3 minutes. Thanks, Parents

   ou can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport.