Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   I remember a happier time… Like when I was still sleeping.

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   All the extra charges on my mobile bill should be called cell-fees.

   The problem with "Friends with Benefits" is that the out-of-pocket costs are way too high.

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.

   Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived."

   If I ever own a race horse I'll name it "My Face Baby" then when fans cheer for it they'll scream "COME ON MY FACE BABY"....

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   Nothing better than imagining "Tubman's" raining down on strippers cheeks.

   Bernie's campaign workers definitely Felt The Bern on their way to the unemployment office.

   Drinking decaf coffee is like watching porn with no hands