Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.