Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After today's news I can never look at Tickle Me Elmo the same way again.

   30 years later and I Still don't want to clean my room...

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.

   GOING CHEAP,!!! all docking stations for iphone 4,,,

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   I know there's no such thing as evolution because if there was my Facebook page would've grown a "punch" button by now.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   it me, or does that Uncle of the 2 suspect, DZHORkhar Tsarneav, look likes a pist-off Adam Sandlar?

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Late to bed and early to rise, Makes you groggy and F$#ks with your eyes

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   i'm not stalking, i'm making sure you're always ok.

   The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015