Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't know that you have any.

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   I think my mind has lost me.

   While outside jogging nothing will help you burn even more calories than getting hit by the runs... I think I just broke bolts track record!

   No one is ever bored enough to start studying.

   My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days

   Do Australians refer to the rest of the world as "up-over"?

   I’d like to have a word with you. The word is sex.

   People who say I need to go out more often need to shut up more often

   After today's news I can never look at Tickle Me Elmo the same way again.

   30 years later and I Still don't want to clean my room...

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   it me, or does that Uncle of the 2 suspect, DZHORkhar Tsarneav, look likes a pist-off Adam Sandlar?

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Late to bed and early to rise, Makes you groggy and F$#ks with your eyes

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"