Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't know that you have any.

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   I think my mind has lost me.

   While outside jogging nothing will help you burn even more calories than getting hit by the runs... I think I just broke bolts track record!

   No one is ever bored enough to start studying.

   My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days

   Do Australians refer to the rest of the world as "up-over"?

   I’d like to have a word with you. The word is sex.

   People who say I need to go out more often need to shut up more often

   After today's news I can never look at Tickle Me Elmo the same way again.

   30 years later and I Still don't want to clean my room...

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.

   GOING CHEAP,!!! all docking stations for iphone 4,,,

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   I know there's no such thing as evolution because if there was my Facebook page would've grown a "punch" button by now.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.