Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.

   came from a real tough neighborhood. I once put my hand in some freshly layed cement and felt another hand.

   OH SH*T I TURNED MY CLOCK BACK TO FAR ITS 1984 I JUST PUT ON MY WHAM HALF SHIRT AND I'm GOING TO THE ARCADE.......TTYL

   I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

   it safe to have unprotected text after a period?

   Yo Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Lil Jon has one of the best grills of all time. One of the best grills of all time!

   Thanks for the xmas card with your kids who I don't even know ..standing with some dog....that I didnt know you had....with some lady.. ..im guessing is your wife.....Merry xmas to you to!

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   Oral sex.... a taste of things to come

   Note to self: Do NOT fly Malaysian Airlines.

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say stuff like "That one's shaped like an idiot."

   If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a Marine.

   I would never shut up if I had a British accent.

   Teaching your son to respect a woman is way more important than teaching him to play a sport.

   Little Johnny wrote to Santa, "I want a baby brother for christmas." Santa wrote back' "Send me your Mother. '

   A man buys his wife a car and she says "Can't you get me something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds?" He brought her the bathroom scale.