Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save energy....The last time I tried it I ran over a guy on a moped!

   I'd tell you to go to hell, but I damn work there, and wouldn't want to see you everyday.

   offensive and creative like handicap porn…

   Jesus Christ & U. S. Veterans are the only forces that offered to die for you.

   - Boobs are a lot like toy trains...they are meant for kids but dads like playing with them too

   wants to procrastinate... well, not today... perhaps tomorrow!

   thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.

   came from a real tough neighborhood. I once put my hand in some freshly layed cement and felt another hand.

   OH SH*T I TURNED MY CLOCK BACK TO FAR ITS 1984 I JUST PUT ON MY WHAM HALF SHIRT AND I'm GOING TO THE ARCADE.......TTYL

   I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

   Thanks for the xmas card with your kids who I don't even know ..standing with some dog....that I didnt know you had....with some lady.. ..im guessing is your wife.....Merry xmas to you to!

   Yo Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Lil Jon has one of the best grills of all time. One of the best grills of all time!

   it safe to have unprotected text after a period?

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   Did you ever wonder if aliens secretly film people having sex, then make them into boring nature shows to show their kids on the Human Planet channel?

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   Oral sex.... a taste of things to come

   Note to self: Do NOT fly Malaysian Airlines.