Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Women are like a box of chocolates... you dont know if they are gonna be good unless you finger them all. 
To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I bought a pack of condoms and the cashier asked me, "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No she isn't that ugly."
Everyone at the North Pole knows, if you want the very best weed, you go find Blitzen.
This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones.
This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.
Girls if you ever hear from a man “Alcohol has been created so that ugly girls could have sex too…” proudly respond “Money has been created so that the ugly men can have sex too…”
Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who loved each other then a slut came and ruined everything.
I'm homy... Read that again more closely you pervert!
When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save energy....The last time I tried it I ran over a guy on a moped!
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I damn work there, and wouldn't want to see you everyday.
offensive and creative like handicap porn…
Jesus Christ & U. S. Veterans are the only forces that offered to die for you.
- Boobs are a lot like toy trains...they are meant for kids but dads like playing with them too
wants to procrastinate... well, not today... perhaps tomorrow!
thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.
came from a real tough neighborhood. I once put my hand in some freshly layed cement and felt another hand.
OH SH*T I TURNED MY CLOCK BACK TO FAR ITS 1984 I JUST PUT ON MY WHAM HALF SHIRT AND I'm GOING TO THE ARCADE.......TTYL 