Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Romeo and Juliet are morons for listening to thier hormones. and the fact the world romantizes this story is beyoned comprehension then again, Twilight proves that the romanticization of stupid teenage obsession is still alive and well

   The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!

   theres no time for pants!

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   hopefully its called ECLIPSE because they are gonna play a better movie over it

   thinks there will be a lot of upset strippers tonight . . . Brazil lost

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   hates when I wake up late for work and get ready in a hurry, then you realize its your day off. : (

   WANTED: Schrödinger's Cat - Dead and Alive

   girls are afraid to hear the words "its over" from her guy. And you know what guys are afraid to hear?"I'm PREGNANT!!!"

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(

   RIP: Occupy Wall Street. Go occupy a job now.

   Sitting in here in Mugg & Bean sippin on my coffee, watching as a group of raucous and untamed black youth walk by in a ghetto wolf pack. Yep, I can smell discounts and knockoffs on everything they wearing, including personalities.

   Words of wisdom - if you take a bath when you're high on cocaine, make sure you wear a life jacket.......

   Confucius says, It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

   A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic violence.So I punched her in the face.

   Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?