Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(

   RIP: Occupy Wall Street. Go occupy a job now.

   Sitting in here in Mugg & Bean sippin on my coffee, watching as a group of raucous and untamed black youth walk by in a ghetto wolf pack. Yep, I can smell discounts and knockoffs on everything they wearing, including personalities.

   Words of wisdom - if you take a bath when you're high on cocaine, make sure you wear a life jacket.......

   Confucius says, It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

   A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic violence.So I punched her in the face.

   Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

   standing under the mistletoe but would rather be under the cameltoe!

   The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in.

   Don't cops have something better to do than arrest non-violent casual Marijuana smokers?

   Women are like a box of chocolates... you dont know if they are gonna be good unless you finger them all.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   I bought a pack of condoms and the cashier asked me, "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No she isn't that ugly."

   Everyone at the North Pole knows, if you want the very best weed, you go find Blitzen.

   This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   Girls if you ever hear from a man “Alcohol has been created so that ugly girls could have sex too…” proudly respond “Money has been created so that the ugly men can have sex too…”

   Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who loved each other then a slut came and ruined everything.

   I'm homy... Read that again more closely you pervert!