Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   I'm think that this Halloween I'm going to scare everyone I know by texting them “We need to talk.”

   When we water ourselves down to please people to fit in for approval, we lose our passion and our own unique gifts. Don't put yourself on the bargain basement discount rack.

   i've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and tomorrow is 12/12/12. I'm cool

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   The Boy scouts just announced their new dont drop the soap derby.

   I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.

   Being a loyal woman does not mean you have to be loyal to his bullshi t too.

   Apparently, I didn't use enough a$$hole repellent today.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!

   I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."

   Viva la French Toast!

   I just found out there is an "acceptable" amount of radioactive iodine in water.

   Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.