Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!

   I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."

   Viva la French Toast!

   I just found out there is an "acceptable" amount of radioactive iodine in water.

   Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

   if you're drunk and you know it hands your clap.

   There was a box of donuts at work today with a note on it saying "help yourself". Great advice I thought. So I didn't have any donuts.

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   Try NOT. Do…or do not. There is no try. ~ Master Yoda (Star Wars)

   ✓ Adolf Hitler ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Waldo, ☐ Carmen Sandiego

   If a girl says she's different from other girls 7 times out of 10 she's a transvestite...

   was really hoping the rapture would have taken away all the people that believed the rapture was going to take them away.

   In dog beer I've only had one

   We don't go to high school to find our husband, but to find our bridesmaids.

   Father's Day Then And Now: In 1911, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

   Saving a file as "dyjjyggffj", because I'm too lazy to write a proper name.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   Who are all these people judging me? They should be arrested for practising law without a degree.