Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.

   You put a black man in the White House and they give the country a negative credit rating!

   What is it with black guys randomly rehearsing an R&B/ rap lyric when walking down the street?

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Congratulations to those of you who can read this. You survived the friend cut!!

   Thinks someone needs to invent a sarcasm font.

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Waldo. Well Played.

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

   Do you ever have days that when someone says Hi, all you want to say back is, "I wish I was."

   I am soon going to realize my dream of opening a combination hardware and sporting goods store...it's name shall be..."Sport N' Wood"

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me