Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Waldo. Well Played.

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   they are illegal!!!! If they were legal no one would have a problem with it.

   I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had $12 in her purse.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there's one."

   Can a woman make you a Millionaire... Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   The worst part about getting some ass is when your fingers break through the toilet paper.