Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   Do you ever have days that when someone says Hi, all you want to say back is, "I wish I was."

   I am soon going to realize my dream of opening a combination hardware and sporting goods store...it's name shall be..."Sport N' Wood"

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Waldo. Well Played.

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   they are illegal!!!! If they were legal no one would have a problem with it.

   I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had $12 in her purse.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there's one."

   Can a woman make you a Millionaire... Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.