Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never ever going to drink again! That was 8 hours ago!! Cheers :)

   frequently has conversations with women who know how hot they are, but apparently very little else.

   I bet Pintrest wrecks more diets than holiday parties

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   There is a new scale that tells your weight about 50 lbs less..Its in an APP...for your phone.. Dont beleive me? Step on it and you will see !

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

   Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

   Lets just reveal each other's baggage on the first date and decide whether this romance is even worth pursuing.

   I like you so let's get this nightmare they call a relationship started.

   Why is it when you barely miss a 30 foot putt and everyone says it's a good putt? You make a 30 footer and everyone says it was luck…

   setting my timer to see how fast this weekend goes by

   With the right person, every inappropriate thing becomes appropriate.

   Women love compliments. Unless it’s about her hairy chest or her moustache. Then you’ll get hit in the face with a handbag.

   The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.

   Excuse me Mr Zimmerman I know this isn't the right time but umm.. Who is that chick that sits behind you to the left?!!

   Companies that are using technology to go paperless aren't putting iPads in the toilet stalls for wiping.