Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if we've learned anything from kanye west, its that hes definitely going to name his baby blue ivy

   I guess there's just something about the word bro that makes dudes take their shirts off and touch each other.

   Attracting attention is easy. Attracting something meaningful is another story.

   at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work

   Please stop suggesting that we should work out. We don't tell you to go back to school and take 1st grade spelling.

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   Don't cry, that onion didn't deserve you anyways.

   I don't care if this urinal handle is ten feet up.....I'm still flushing with my foot!!

   I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it.

   Bieber & Gomez split up? Does this mean he is finally coming out of the closet?

   never ever going to drink again! That was 8 hours ago!! Cheers :)

   frequently has conversations with women who know how hot they are, but apparently very little else.

   I bet Pintrest wrecks more diets than holiday parties

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   There is a new scale that tells your weight about 50 lbs less..Its in an APP...for your phone.. Dont beleive me? Step on it and you will see !

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.