Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..

   Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.

   John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.