Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew getting married on New Years Eve was a bad idea.....

   Finding yourself overwhelmed with office paperwork? Use it to roll the biggest joint ever.

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   "My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues."

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough

   Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn

   Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource.

   Safety glasses? On this jobsite, we squint for safety!!

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   Why would LL Kool J's Mom want me to be knocked out? What did I do?

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   "Is there gonna be food?" "Yup!" "Ok I'm on my way"

   I'm in the " I don't give a sh!t" process mode

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   The experts says "don't stare directly into the sun during the Venus transit". Do we really need to be told that? Also, during the Venus transit, don't forget to breathe.

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?