Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   If the house is a rockin', we are probably having an earthquake.

   if you change your status to "in a relationship", it must last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   I mean, we all grieve in our own ways. She chose to listen to The Bodyguard soundtrack all night. I chose $1,100 worth of lap dances.

   Christmas and booze they both have a lot to do with SPIRIT!

   Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night

   I knew getting married on New Years Eve was a bad idea.....

   Finding yourself overwhelmed with office paperwork? Use it to roll the biggest joint ever.

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   "My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues."

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough

   Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn

   Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource.

   Safety glasses? On this jobsite, we squint for safety!!

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.