Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   There is nothing more dangerous than someone with a brain who doesn't know how to use it.

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?

   while strolling thru the park, a dog bit my nutsack...that I carry to feed the squirrels.

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   Yep, I am the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $50 bill with a note inside that says, 'You don't have to do this'

   I don't need your permission to correct you if you're wrong.

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.