Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   I respect the person who let women into the Army. Woman on period + gun = unstoppable

   I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?

   while strolling thru the park, a dog bit my nutsack...that I carry to feed the squirrels.

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   Yep, I am the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $50 bill with a note inside that says, 'You don't have to do this'

   I don't need your permission to correct you if you're wrong.

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   Ahhh, October. My favorite month, especially all the Halloween booze...

   There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.

   If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates - Jay Leno

   So after breaking 7 out of 10 commandments this week I can still run for Pope, right?

   Epidemic: Girls who have really good male best friends, but claims they have no man!

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I'm such a giving person; if cannibals were cooking me, I'd give them tips on how to make me more tender.