Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment?

   Changing your name in Illinois only costs $100? Well slap my face and call me Lazer ThunderQueef!

   "Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

   I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

   That's right, the iPhone 5 is now thinner and lighter, like the enslaved chinese worker since he started assembling it.

   My wife says I should read the book before watching the movie. So when I play the movies I just put the subtitles on and watch and read at the same time.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   Don't feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness

   In dog beers I only had one.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an unlived life.

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot that worked.

   God never gives you anything you can't handle and apparently he thinks I can handle a hell of alot.

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   Apparently there was a big misunderstanding yesterday, between me and the cute little Japanese girl that was cutting my hair. as I explained to the officer, How was I suppose to know what she meant when she asked me if I'd like a "brow job".