Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   If she fu@ks like she complains, you're in for a treat!!

   the only reason why I will wear this HIDEOUS bridesmaid dress is so that a drunk groomsmen can rip it off me later with his teeth.

   Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.

   I'm gonna sell everything and buy and van and go live down by the river !

   Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.

   If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations

   Does this mean Glee is one step closer to gettimg cancelled?

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I’m asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.