Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does this mean Glee is one step closer to gettimg cancelled?

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I’m asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.

   Truth hurts...but not as much as getting fingered by Edward Scissorhands

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   I don't have a secret china bank account anymore because it's no longer a secret.

   Mexican word of the day....HIDE!

   New England Patriots haters be like "I refuse to accept the results of the AFC Championship game. Tomorrow I'll be protesting, picketing, looting, rioting, and forming support groups. #NotMySuperBowl "

   Anybody wanna come and drink dinner with me?

   Men...it's not their fault. You can't give someone two heads and expect them to think straight.

   My mother now has Gchat. You will no longer know how inappropriate my thoughts are via status updates. Today my status is "I like studying and Jesus."

   If you wash your jeans after wearing them only once, you're doing it wrong.

   I love reading ppls status "off to the gym" when you know damn well they are only going to use the massage chair