Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Today i'm 31. That's like 80 in facebook years. 
"Women, before you get mad, remember, God and Adam were calling Eve 'Woman' long before she started getting all power hungry, emotional and irrational. So think about that, the next time your man says 'Woman, make me a sammich!'" -- 3 John 1:12
If you smile in Wal Mart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.
With the weather being the way it is, the only way you could have a white Christmas is if Santa brought you cocaine.
Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?
Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?
Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies is the reason why I have trust issues
After years of searching for my girlfriend's G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!
Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THE ICE CREAM MAN USE TO GO DOWN THE STREET RINGING THE BELL. WELL, WHEN THE HELL IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET THE MORNING "COFFE MAN" TRUCK DOWN MY STREET??? THEN IT WOULD BE NICE AROUND 5 IN THE AFTERNOON FOR THE "VODKA" TRUCK...DING DA DI
You know, there's one good thing about Monday and it's...... hmm.... wait... let me get back to you on that.
The Washington Redskins: Where pro football players go to let there career die.
tennis players have fuzzy balls!!!!
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
asked "what do you like to see most in a woman" I answered "the top of her head"
when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.
really thinks Myspace is a female...So many mood swings and changes.
Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me. 