Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THE ICE CREAM MAN USE TO GO DOWN THE STREET RINGING THE BELL. WELL, WHEN THE HELL IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET THE MORNING "COFFE MAN" TRUCK DOWN MY STREET??? THEN IT WOULD BE NICE AROUND 5 IN THE AFTERNOON FOR THE "VODKA" TRUCK...DING DA DI

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   If she fu@ks like she complains, you're in for a treat!!

   the only reason why I will wear this HIDEOUS bridesmaid dress is so that a drunk groomsmen can rip it off me later with his teeth.

   really thinks Myspace is a female...So many mood swings and changes.

   You know, there's one good thing about Monday and it's...... hmm.... wait... let me get back to you on that.

   The Washington Redskins: Where pro football players go to let there career die.

   tennis players have fuzzy balls!!!!

   I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

   asked "what do you like to see most in a woman" I answered "the top of her head"

   when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.

   Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

   Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations

   If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.

   I'm gonna sell everything and buy and van and go live down by the river !

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.