Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   White parents: "Tommy, go in timeout Kid: NO mommy, YOU get in timeout. Black parents: Get ur ass in ur room before I punch you in the throat!

   "No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I have so little game I'm not even allowed to play miniature golf.

   I had my dose of monday Tiger Blood, but I broke my freaking dragon tooth.

   It's finally cheaper to buy a cup of coffee than a gallon of gas.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   I wonder if Captain America had to borrow money from Captain China to get the movie done

   I would like to congratulate Charlie Sheen on his demotion from CBS to TBS...If he keeps progrssing at this pace, his next stop should be "dinner theater" at an L.A. soup kitchen.

   There are three types of people in this world: Those that get math and those that don't.

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   having a staring contest with a bottle of Jack.

   if you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

   Have you ever thought about the fact that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom?

   Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.

   Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised.