Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   I wonder if Captain America had to borrow money from Captain China to get the movie done

   I would like to congratulate Charlie Sheen on his demotion from CBS to TBS...If he keeps progrssing at this pace, his next stop should be "dinner theater" at an L.A. soup kitchen.

   There are three types of people in this world: Those that get math and those that don't.

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   having a staring contest with a bottle of Jack.

   if you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

   Have you ever thought about the fact that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom?

   Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.

   Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised.

   Today i'm 31. That's like 80 in facebook years.

   "Women, before you get mad, remember, God and Adam were calling Eve 'Woman' long before she started getting all power hungry, emotional and irrational. So think about that, the next time your man says 'Woman, make me a sammich!'" -- 3 John 1:12

   If you smile in Wal Mart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   With the weather being the way it is, the only way you could have a white Christmas is if Santa brought you cocaine.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.

   Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies is the reason why I have trust issues

   After years of searching for my girlfriend's G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!