Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Breaking News: North Korea's scientists claim to have developed a time machine. Translation: They figured out how to make a clock.

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plan school shootings.

   ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`* That's me granting you a wish. Simply comment your wish below and poof...you got it! LOL....

   just heard that despite the universal success of the iPod and the iPhone; Apple will be releasing their next gadget EXCLUSIVELY for women... It will be called the iRon.

   An old Indian Chief was asked if they had Daylight Savings Time on the reservation. The old man replied "Only whyte man dumb enough to thing he can cut off the bottom of a blanket, sew it on the other end and think he has a longer blanket."

   GM and Chrysler...still made by welfare funds

   The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.

   Dear girls at the gym, skinny doesn't fix ugly

   ME: Wanna go out with me? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a test tomorrow. GIRL: And? ME: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on

   White parents: "Tommy, go in timeout Kid: NO mommy, YOU get in timeout. Black parents: Get ur ass in ur room before I punch you in the throat!

   "No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I have so little game I'm not even allowed to play miniature golf.

   I had my dose of monday Tiger Blood, but I broke my freaking dragon tooth.

   It's finally cheaper to buy a cup of coffee than a gallon of gas.