Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...

   Politically speaking, Herman Cain is an extremely horny candidate.

   W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   I'm confident, but not 'use the middle urinal when there's 2 black guys pissing either side of me' confident.

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone