Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Independence Day! And make sure you stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni! Because that makes total sense!!!

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   Floyd Mayweather beat up his wife and wanted to go to jail so he can duck Manny Pacquiao again

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...

   Politically speaking, Herman Cain is an extremely horny candidate.

   W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   I would give up Facebook for you baby.

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.