Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   This Halloween .pour bottle of oil over your naked body tah dah new born baby.

   Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you have diarrhea.

   Dear idiot: If I give you a nice big straw, will you leave me alone and go suck the fun out of someone else's day? Sincerely, Annoyed.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   Happy Independence Day! And make sure you stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni! Because that makes total sense!!!

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   Floyd Mayweather beat up his wife and wanted to go to jail so he can duck Manny Pacquiao again

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...

   Politically speaking, Herman Cain is an extremely horny candidate.

   W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?