Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   Sometimes the people you love the most are the ones that hurt you the most...but it's up to you to decide who you live through the pain for...

   They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

   If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you... dumn*ss...

   I know for a fact that one of my facebook friends are playing with thy self as I write this status..ok who is it???

   (This Status Message Was Left Blank Due To The Down Right Rudeness and Frankness Of The Subject Matter Not Suitable For Facebook or Other PG Rated Social Networking Sites. Thank You Facebook Admin.)

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

   wondering why American sports use terms like "world series" when no other countries play.

   Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   There is nothing like listening to Led Zeppelin to drown out the Jonas Brothers break up. . .

   I just found out my mother-in-law is going to be staying with us for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Well, it looks like I have to clean out the hall closet again.....she is going to need somewhere to hang upside down and sleep

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.

   Since building the 6 million dollar man in the 70s, he's depreciated in value so much over time he's now known as 50cent.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.