Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do my Saturdays always seem to start with me looking for pants. Oh yeah, alcohol...

   Don't confuse the words “poisonous” and “venomous.” Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: No. I just lay there.

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at thecovered places.

   I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.

   Telling your woman to calm down, works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   Listen SNOW, unless your singing "Informer" no one wants to see you right now... First day of spring my ass..

   God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.

   Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.

   The guy at the carwash just handed me a coupon for a "Free Wax Job"... Things sure backfired after I told him I'd like a Brazilian.

   I like you, even though you raise all kinds of red flags.

   "Screw you and your iPhone 5" is what I'll be saying until I also get one.

   I keep my wallet in my front pocket, that way woman are interested in something in the front of my pants.

   Aww...no, sweetheart. Don't worry. When he calls those other girls "angel" he doesn't mean it. Only with you.

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly!

   at my age, my pecker is starting to look like a baby buzzard hanging out his nest