Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.

   There have been more collect calls in history on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

   I'd eat more vegetables if they were made of beef.

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   Scars are tattoos with better stories.

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Why do my Saturdays always seem to start with me looking for pants. Oh yeah, alcohol...

   Don't confuse the words “poisonous” and “venomous.” Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: No. I just lay there.

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at thecovered places.

   I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.

   Telling your woman to calm down, works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   Listen SNOW, unless your singing "Informer" no one wants to see you right now... First day of spring my ass..

   God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.

   Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.

   The guy at the carwash just handed me a coupon for a "Free Wax Job"... Things sure backfired after I told him I'd like a Brazilian.