Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!

   100% of non smokers die

   I support Goya: Black Beans Matter

   I think I am beginning to understand Americans. I now know they love guns, blowjobs, masturbation, naps, not wearing pants, pizza, beer and a good murder.

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   what's the difference between 'Live Feed' and 'News Feed?' Isn't all the news supposed to be Live!!!

   Dont worry, if we do all die in 2012... at least Justin Beiber dies also ..

   making Holy Water by boiling the Hell out of it.

   Has decided to write all her statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

   Ladies, you can't be the first, but you can be the next.

   A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I clearly see you're nuts."

   When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.

   Shoutout to all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn....