Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.

   Shoutout to all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn....

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   The PT Cruiser is probably the most expensive form of birth control.

   I'm glad people have the confidence to wear revealing clothing but sometimes your confidence is NOT very pleasant to look at.

   If its Friday night and she lifts up her skirt and her panties say Saturday. She is staying the night.

   Well, Jimmy Crack corn..... and you guessed it.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!

   I'd really like to know how far you ran today and whether it felt great and then see a picture of your smoothie.

   "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"