Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why the "McRib" which is made from "McAss" and tastes like "McPuke" is so popular, is beyond my comprehension!

   There is still no cure for the common birthday

   When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Thank you

   slipped on the ice today. After landing I looked, but couoldn't find my keys, wallet, or watch. It must have been black ice.

   I don't mind if we invade Syria as long as the President is out in front leading the charge.

   I hate when people talk on there phones in public restrooms. Who are you?? Ricky Martin?!?! You ain't that damn important

   I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

   went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands

   Never pick a fight with an ugly person;........They've got nothing to lose.

   I got 99 problems...dont be the 100th.

   The most powerful microscope can see the diameter of a hydrogen atom. If you look through that you still couldn't see how little I care about your drama

   Q: Why are single women skinnier than married women? A: Single women go to the fridge, see nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice and then go to the fridge.

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   It's a grill kind of day!! I'm an Omnivore however in a gesture of sensitivity to Vegans everywhere, today I'm only gonna eat vegetarian animals .

   "I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.

   Having 50 friends in common doesnt automatically mean we know each other and should be friends.

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*

   Just finished building Rome with Lego. Took me a day.

   living in a van....down by the river!