Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   You are never really free until your heart says you are. JK, it's when the handcuffs come off and the cop gives your belongings back.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I "don't lock my phone," love you.

   The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone!

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   It took 3 hours and 36 minutes but the Niners finally scored a touchdown!"

   #TeamSingle,.. Being Single Isn't A Team You Are ALONE

   Do these pants stuck halfway up my thighs, cutting off my circulation, make me look fat?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   Of course I’ve had my servings of fruit today. Coconut rum, pineapple-orange juice and maraschino cherries. There’s a bonus for combo fruits, right?

   I dont know if money is the root of all evil, but its certainly the fertilizer...

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   n't the term "politically correct" an oxymoron?

   My car is really just a portable storage unit

   Sorry I was talking while you were interupting!

   Michael Phelps probaby just threw away any of his medals that weren't gold.