Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do these pants stuck halfway up my thighs, cutting off my circulation, make me look fat?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   Of course I’ve had my servings of fruit today. Coconut rum, pineapple-orange juice and maraschino cherries. There’s a bonus for combo fruits, right?

   I dont know if money is the root of all evil, but its certainly the fertilizer...

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   n't the term "politically correct" an oxymoron?

   My car is really just a portable storage unit

   Sorry I was talking while you were interupting!

   Michael Phelps probaby just threw away any of his medals that weren't gold.

   Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.

   Women... the more attention they get, the more options they seek.

   If I can still smell you on me in the morning, you did good.

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.

   I'm not clumsy. It's just that the floor hates me, the tables & chairs are bullies & the wall gets in the way.

   I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.