Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   St. Patrick -- one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.

   hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.

   When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   Want to program my GPS to say "Right turn Clyde" whenever the right turn now arrow appears.

   Ahhhh...pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   Do not be sad if people preferred another one on you .. It's hard to convince the monkey that strawberries sweeter than bananas

   Life before the computer punchline(see above 3): And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you hoped nobody found out.

   looking for a job! "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job..."

   Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

   just doesn't give a sh!t today, but just in case I start to, I'm starting a list...Your goal-->Stay off the list!

   gots 99 problems and a fifth of rum. Problems solved.

   just changed my boss's password on his computer to --> C : [Enter] # # #....yeah, I'm a smidge disgruntled...

   A lot of people have made decisions about what I should do with my life; unfortunately, it hasn't worked out too well for them.

   Life is a b*tch, but she's totally "do-able!"

   been used and has a lot of miles, but is in great condition...she's a classic ;)

   1.Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   Times Like These Were made for Nudity.

   thinks that I could have a very successful career a male model. Unfortunately, I would have to be the "before" picture. Eh, its a living.