Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture. 
So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary....
Don't you hate it when people just randomly tag you in their Facebook post!?
Why would you respect Sallie Mae when she's been screwing you and all college students for years?
sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments
It might not be your birthday, but you need a spanking anyway...
More SAD NEWS for the music industry: Soulja Boy is working on a new album.
Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless coffee till the last sip,then we find sugar lying at the bottom. -THAT'S LIFE Sweetened but not stirred well..!!
if there s a road less travelled... dont take it. you wont find beer.
Dont wish For a Happy ending It means Something has to end
St. Patrick -- one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.
hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!
when it seems like god isnt answering ur prayers just remember that the teacher never talks during a test
Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.
I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
the only thing about having bags under your eyes is that I can never find any shoes to match :(
once had his Ex crawling toward him on her hands and knees. The thing is, he was under the bed hiding and she was crawling toward him screaming "Come out and fight like a man!"
Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.
When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead
Want to program my GPS to say "Right turn Clyde" whenever the right turn now arrow appears. 